Good on outside, hopeless on the inside!

Living with depression isn’t fun and everyday I wish I could run far far away, where do I go? Who do I tell? I sat on the beach last week and I all I could think about  was what’s  on the other side and if people are depressed over there. Do they go through what I go through and do they have any support?  Having so many people look at me thinking, “she doesn’t look depress”, or “she has it to good”! My husband mention yesterday that homeless people are depressed. What and I can’t be? How does depression look? Should I be walking around without my eyelashes, my hair done and cute clothes.? Would you believe me if I wore a head scarf all day and sweat pants, I mean depression doesn’t have a way you should look button. I hurt a lot on the inside and NO I can’t just snap out of it! If that was the case there would be a lot less suicidal people in the world. Hey what can I say, I’m suppose this strong black woman but on the inside I feel like a frail child stuck in a corner, scared to come out. Some think depression is sadness, crying, and dressing in black with sunglasses on my face. Nope, you are wrong depression is the state of feeling hopeless all the damn time despite your circumstances. Waking up in the morning ready for the day, all to look outside and go right back to bed. Depression is hard to explain, and I try to explain it everyday with no sense of why it hit my doorstep! I put on makeup, do my hair and put on the cutest summer dress, but underneath all of that NOTHING! All dolled up, feeling disgusted inside like I just want to run and hide. Strong Black Woman, nope it’s not me not now!

Wow this is a blog about depression in women young and old, who are afraid to speak about it, but not me! I’m new to this blog thing so please bear with me, I’m 391/2(lol will be 40 soon) black woman who suffers badly from depression. I find it hard to talk about it in the “black community”, also to my spouse, family and some friends. Now don’t get me wrong that women of all color suffer, I just want to talk about it coming from me a black woman. As women we struggle with so much and it seems so easy to talk about break-ups, weight gain/lose, or even gossiping at the office. Nooo one wants to talk about depression, Why? Is it because we are not supposed to be weak? Well dammit I am and it no way takes away from how strong I am in other areas in my life. Depression isn’t a bad word and  want to go to hell if you mention it, good grief. Well I would like to take you on this rollercoaster ride of emotions and hope we all can help each as women, black or white!!!

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