So toady I finally got up out of the bed and made lunch for me and the hubby, yesterday went to doctors and they decided to up my meds and said I should think about some out-patient therapy. Yeah somebody else to tell my situation to who isn’t listening, oh well I made lunch today because I slept half the day and my hubby looks at me crazy. I mean how do you explain to someone who you’re not being lazy and you really wish you could get up! Does he remember the fabulous “Diva” he married? Does he remember how I worked several jobs, clean the house, and manage to raise a fine young son. I wasn’t always this way, my brain has completely taken over at this point and I hate it just as much as he does. I feel ashamed and embarrassed that I this Strong Black Woman can’t seem to “pull it together or “snap out of it”.! I pray about it day and night and sometimes wonder what I have done to have to suffer this way.? I’m strong or at least I use to be because that side of me has been lost to this illness. I would give all the clothes, shoes, and nice purses away to be normal again. Just to be able to get out of bed and enjoy the beautiful sun, but I can’t.
“PUTTING ON A FAKE SMILE SO YOU DON’T HAVE EXPLAIN WHY YOU’RE NOT HAPPY”
Morning walks with my puppy usually clears my mind, but then I return home and the sadness starts to sink in. Some days are better than others, but today I just feel unusually sadden and for the life of me I can’t explain it.!!!! Had a small anxiety attack last night before bed and didn’t get much sleep. Tossing and turning, up and down, my mind is on an emotional roller coaster and I’m stuck up in the air. I read a scripture this morning and it read: “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens” Ecclesiastes 3:11 and I wonder when is it my time? Feels like I have been in this dark clouded season for years with no end in sight! And when you can’t explain how you are feeling to your own spouse, it creates some sort of wall between us when I need him the most. I’m falling apart slowly, hoping and trying to pull it together for the sake of looking good to others. Hubby suggested this morning that I may need to check myself in some place, has actually gotten to that point? I like to hope it hasn’t but what do I know?
Yeah. She’s smiling. But don’t let that fool you. Look into her eyes. She’s breaking inside.
On Saturday August 6th, I received my Bachelors in Community and Organizational Leadership and of course I was super excited. Then it happened, my depressed brain starts to get carried away with its on little thoughts on how I should feel. My brain has good and bad days, but I just want to feel the good. I woke up on Saturday full of hope and excitement and by the end of the day I was ready to cry and for what. I can’t shake this psychotic brain thing, what happened to the old one I use to have? Some days are better than others but I get so mad that something like getting my degree makes me so freaking sad. I worked my crazy little ass off and I have no feeling about it what so ever, NOTHING!!!! GOT MY DEGREE, NOW WHAT? I feel like this is so unfair and why does it have to happen to me? Depression should be against the law and no one should have to live with this type of brain. And what pisses me off the most is this damn depression comes and goes when it wants to. How has it taken over my brain like it has? I get no say so at all, my head aches, body aches and I can’t even find motivation to even write this post. I prayed for this degree, I wanted this degree and now it just sits they’re looking at me. Things are rough inside this brain and I’m on some type of mission to cure myself but that stresses me out just as much. I guess accomplishing all those goals didn’t change the way my brain feels. I was hopeless before now I’m hopeless with 2 degrees, good grief!:( Been moping around since Saturday and trying to figure this damn thing out, WHAT NOW??? I have so many fights with myself about everything I want to accomplish then I take a shower and lay down. Nothing gets done and my goals continue to seem so damn far away! There are so many hard parts to this depression thing but I promise to get through it!!!!
Living with depression isn’t fun and everyday I wish I could run far far away, where do I go? Who do I tell? I sat on the beach last week and I all I could think about was what’s on the other side and if people are depressed over there. Do they go through what I go through and do they have any support? Having so many people look at me thinking, “she doesn’t look depress”, or “she has it to good”! My husband mention yesterday that homeless people are depressed. What and I can’t be? How does depression look? Should I be walking around without my eyelashes, my hair done and cute clothes.? Would you believe me if I wore a head scarf all day and sweat pants, I mean depression doesn’t have a way you should look button. I hurt a lot on the inside and NO I can’t just snap out of it! If that was the case there would be a lot less suicidal people in the world. Hey what can I say, I’m suppose this strong black woman but on the inside I feel like a frail child stuck in a corner, scared to come out. Some think depression is sadness, crying, and dressing in black with sunglasses on my face. Nope, you are wrong depression is the state of feeling hopeless all the damn time despite your circumstances. Waking up in the morning ready for the day, all to look outside and go right back to bed. Depression is hard to explain, and I try to explain it everyday with no sense of why it hit my doorstep! I put on makeup, do my hair and put on the cutest summer dress, but underneath all of that NOTHING! All dolled up, feeling disgusted inside like I just want to run and hide. Strong Black Woman, nope it’s not me not now!