One year ago today, the day started out ok but I had known idea how it would end. Like most days I was feeling sad, depressed, worthless, and tired. I got up and got dress for work not knowing if I wanted to continue with this gloomy day. Life last year was horrible at least I thought so, I didn’t even feel like getting up to shower. My marriage was on the rocks, my family wasn’t supportive, and I wanted out. At this time I had began working at the school thinking that if I at least accomplished one of my dreams I would feel better. Well, that didn’t work out so well! Everyday I saw those kids as a reminder of how I failed as a parent, around this time my son was also facing major jail time. I was a complete wreck and no one cared, they just went about their days unphased about me. How could they have not known, how could they have not cared? I was always there for their needs, taking on the burden of others problems. When it came to me, they left me out in the cold to figure out this horrible life myself. “Fuck it”, I thought! Fuck life, this job, my child, husband, and family. They didn’t care why should I?
I left work that day feeling so horrible and down, I began drinking and drinking! My husband knew something was up, but of course he didn’t care enough to ask me what was wrong? So I drank some more, it was eventually night-time and I had a BIG argument with my hubby. I got in my car and left, I wanted to drive until I ran out of gas. Instead I went to the store and purchased more to drink and went to the park. Usually, when I’m here I can find peace and rethink my thoughts, but not this time. I grew mad and angry. So by this time I was ready, ready to see my grandma! I drove drunk to wear she is buried and sat at her grave. I asked a million questions but still couldn’t understand why I had such a bad life. Why was my brain this way? Why can’t God hear my prayers? Why does my family suck? Life wasn’t worth living anymore, so I decided to wait on the guy to bring me something to just end it all. After that I went blank…………………….
The next thing I know I was on suicide watch in the psych ward. How did I get there? I must have driven cause my truck was parked outside. I was so drunk I couldn’t even tell them who I was. There I was locked in a room without my personal belongings, what was this place? Finally, once I slept off that drunkenness I realized that I had checked myself into the mental hospital?????? What???? I have never in my life seen the inside of a mental hospital, a jail cell, but a mental hospital. There I was in a gown, heard them say that my phone was ringing all night. I finally came to my senses and just accepted that I need this help! I need to get my life back on track, boy what difference a year makes.