We are 4 months into his sentence and I haven’t had to worry too much about him because he assured me he was ’good’ his word. Then yesterday happened, long story short he got caught up in a contraband ring and was caught getting food from the outside. Smdh… I need a drink! I didn’t hear from him all last night and I usually never worry because he will always call his kids, but then his girlfriend text this morning and ask did I hear from him? My heart sinks…. What happened is he ok, dead, hurt, sick? My mind racing….Finally spoke with a CO and he explained to me that my son is now in the real jail instead of the federal campsite. He’ll be locked up for 23 hours a day, with a cellmate and food being brought to him. I’m so fucking pissed off and heartbroken, he’s not learning anything back there at all. Why is he continuing to make these stupid ass small decisions? My head hurts, my heart aches and I feel so ashamed.
I feel so sorry and sad for what I use to put my mom through. I ran away from him for several days at a time, off with men well beyond my age. I never understood how she was feeling but I do now. I now see her sitting on the bed on the phone with the police trying to find me. In those days there was no social media and police officers just considered me a runaway. I now feel her pain, I now understand how it feels when a child is defiant and you don’t know what to do. My heart is in a million pieces, how could he be so damn selfish? How could he not be thinking about his baby boy? So many of our black men become products of the system and I’m afraid my son is now going to be in that statistic. Where did I go wrong, I promised I raised a good kid? Where did it all go wrong? All I know now is I feel so bad for hurting my mom like I did. Although I was in a different situation, my father had raped me and I just needed to get away from them all. Maybe I could have acted better, because; I wouldn’t wish how I feel on nobody. Asking God for strength…..