Just Because I’m Depressed doesn’t mean I’m Not Thankful Dammit!

Good evening all, it’s Sunday and I finally made it around here to my office to get on the computer. I know I have been missing lately, just haven’t had much energy this week. The pup was still sick on Friday so I missed work, then had a horrible time sitting to get my lashes done. Came home Friday night and just wanted to lay down and never get up, some people are so stupid now days. Was feeling sick myself but had to sleep, because I had a lunch date with my friend who is getting married in a couple of weeks. So I got all dressed up and we headed to Charlotte for her last dress fitting, then off to lunch at the CheeseCake Factory. I had a wonderful time, so glad I got out the house for a bit on yesterday. She look so beautiful, couldn’t help but cry. Got home and crashed, my body just can’t seem to handle anything at all. I’m so tired of being tired all the damn time, so today I decided to skip church (feeling guilty about that) and got some work done outside. I haven’t had anytime to get out there, ok I’m lying I have the time just to damn tired to go out there. The yard is starting to look like I feel, and that’s just not like me not to have the yard all pretty. I just got so much on mind, the last thing I want to do is think of happy things and then have life come crashing down around me like usual. So I did manage to buy a couple of flowers for the front and put out some lawn furniture on the front porch. I cooked a big dinner, a little something different today: cabbage and sausage, jambalaya, and sweet corn spoon bread. Yes it all sounds delicious and looks that way as well, can’t wait to sit down for dinner. Well while I was outside one of my neighbors decided to come and speak to me, I use to consider her my friend but she is a little shady, sort of like a family member I know. What I don’t have time for is fake ass people at this damn age, anyway she proceeded to say things like “stop being so depressed, you have a lot to be thankful for”. “You shouldn’t be depressed because, you have your family around you”. “Cheer up and be thankful”, well you know this pissed me off to the fullest, because please believe I’m thankful for everything I have. I can be thankful and depressed at the same damn time. Piss me off, being depressed doesn’t work like that dammit! I’m more than thankful and thank God everyday, but my mind doesn’t work the same anymore. How dare you think I’m only depressed for one reason and all of a sudden I will be able to snap out of it. Shout out to those who are healing, but I’m not there yet. Shit not for the lack of trying, it’s just a slow process and I’m going to heal on my own damn time. Yes I’m thankful for my boys around me, but I don’t see life-like I use too. I can’t believe people are still so stupid about mental illness, damn you wouldn’t tell somebody with cancer to “cheer up because you have family around”. Hell you would be breaking out the prayer books and bringing food. I don’t like how I feel, you think I like sleeping all day, having mood swings, lack of appetite, and sometimes drinking myself silly to cover the pain.  It takes everything out of me to hold down my damn job, and for that I’m proud of myself. I know things will eventually get better, but in my brain right now I just can’t dig myself out this tunnel. I don’t see the light like some of y’all do. That doesn’t mean I’m not thankful dammit. Shit I’m mad because I know life can be better than this, I just haven’t gotten that far yet. I will get there in my own time, and I promise there will be a lot of people who wish they had stuck around to help me out. If you thought I was a *BITCH* before, watch me when I’m healed. With that being said, I’m about to enjoy the rest of my day in the bed watching movies. Hope you all have a bless week!