Last night I went to bed pretty earlier after feeling bad all day. While driving I had a small attack, and I think my BP was sky high. After a bit of rest, I woke up about 2 a.m. with so much on my mind. I’m still trying to figure out my life, and after seeing my paycheck today I grew sad. If you remember reading my blog from the beginning, I was broke hadn’t worked in 2 years and was wondering if God heard my prayers. After much praying and begging, I landed a teaching job around October. Perfect! It is part time and I was thrilled because it still gave me time to help dad. For once I was getting out back into the work force, while I continued to keep my clients on the side for the extra cash. Now, I’m in a funk! After seeing how much I owe in student loans, life got real. I no longer can afford to work at the school because it pays absolutely no money at all, if you like kids and don’t need money this would be great. Bills are now the only reason I work, and I’m bored, tired and depressed. I feel I’m only working to basically get out of debt. I let all of my clients go, (except for a few)because I really thought I was going to like this work but I don’t. Let me be clear, I love the kids but the money is motivating my decisions right now. Is that bad? Can I let go of what I prayed to God so badly for? Will He be mad and feel like my prayers are no longer worth answering?
I know He provides all our needs, but he isn’t going to magically pay that light bill. I wanted to work so bad and thought this was the perfect opportunity for me. Am I allowed to change my mind? Am I to old to not know where I want to be in life? I really enjoyed working for myself and was really successful at it. I just feel money is motivating my new decisions and I feel so sad and guilty for that.
I’m at an age in my life, I don’t think I could work for a company, not being able to set my own schedule is getting to me! I talk this over with my hubby and he is all on board, he is just concern about health care for me! Hell it’s crappy insurance anyway. Oh well decisions, decisions hope I can make the right one soon!! Now I’m all depressed…chat soon!